


if this is a romcom kill the director

by honeynutfeeleos



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Light Smut, SasuSaku - Freeform, no beta we die like men, this is some romcom type shit i apologize in advance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-10-14 11:50:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20600309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeynutfeeleos/pseuds/honeynutfeeleos
Summary: Somewhere Sasuke knew that had been a joke, but in defense of his next words, his brain had stopped working a little. “You find me handsome?”She leveled him an unimpressed stare, “I nearly shagged you at a frat party last week whilst embarrassingly unintoxicated. Yes. I find you handsome.”





	1. A Borrowed Bed

They’d met at a party, with her tongue down his throat. It was the typical venue for a night of lost memories. A shit tiny kitchen, a legion of overturned red solo cups, a strong haze of foul smelling smoke, and thirty odd raving drunk students. 

She wasn’t his type, some manic pixie type shit Naruto would love. Not that it really mattered, Sasuke was only ever here looking for a warm body. But, if he were to have a type, he would imagine it would be someone of a more serious description than hers. 

The first thing he noticed was her hair. A cloud of short pink she must have dyed, all fluffed up like a halo. Next, was her crooked smile across the room, followed hand in hand by ripped jeans and a rude graphic tee. This was Sasuke’s impression of the girl known as Sakura. One first hazed by whiskey and later by regret.

It was in the rooms above that shit tiny kitchen that he got the best look at her, two light sources to guide his way. One golden, stabbing it’s way under the door to the hall. The other was silvery, creeping in from the window. They complemented her well. Silver lining her body and gold lighting up her eyes. Her eyes, they were the widest and purest shade of green he’d ever seen. It was as if two stones of jade had been plucked from the heavens and fashioned just for her. They made him sad, but he wasn’t surprised by his sadness. People always told him he was a sappy drunk.

She giggled into his mouth as his hand crept up her ribs, her bare legs twining together. She tasted sweet, like cotton candy. It made Sasuke’s head spin. Artificial and fleeting she pulled away laughing.

“Your hands are cold, it tickles.” She was smiling up at him, head resting on someone else’s comforter. “But I’m fine, keep going.”

He trailed his fingers along her ribs and she bit her lip, stopping a smile. Sasuke liked the way she squealed with laughter as his hands continued; zigzagging up to skate the edge of her bra and scratching down to her navel. She lay breathless, shaking with silent giggles. She seemed in danger of convulsing right off the side of the bed so he stopped. Instead he held her hands in his, fingers interlocked. 

“Don’t you think it’s a little early to be out of breath?” Sasuke whispered in her ear. It turned red.

Making sure she was no longer in any danger of rolling off the bed in laughter, Sasuke let go and sat back on his heels. 

Despite gasping for breath she managed to meet his gaze evenly in a mock glare. “I brought you up here to fuck me, not tease me.”

Sasuke snorted, “that can be arranged.”

With the laughter from just a moment ago now back, her hands went to his belt and his went to her bra, first snaking off her t-shirt, then fumbling with the latch on the back. She’d already gotten him out his jeans before he finally managed to unhook the damn thing. 

He lowered down to his forearms and kissed her again migrating from her mouth to her jaw to her neck. 

Somewhere across the room something beeped tugging at his attention before he let it slip away. He’d made it to the valley in between her breasts and was having a hard time thinking of anything else.

The beeping noise came again, then once more, before it changed to a loud and cheery tune that cut through the darkness.

“Hey.”

He paused, “hn.” 

She shoved at Sasuke’s chest. “Get off.” He sat back, drunk and confused. She slipped out from under him.

She leaned off the side of their borrowed bed, on her knees, ass in the air, reaching down to root among their discarded clothes.

She sat back up again, this time holding a phone. She looked at him and held a finger to her lips before answering. 

Sasuke smiled as he locked his mouth and threw away the key.

“What do you want? Now isn’t a good time.” She ran a hand through her hair and clutched at the side of her neck, elbows tucked in protectively around her body. Sasuke frowned, why did she look so nervous?

“What do you mean by “am I at home?” you don’t have any right to ask me that after...what do you mean you’re coming over?” 

She glanced over at Sasuke frowning in concern then glanced away again before lowering her voice. “Babe no.”  
Sasuke’s eyes widened, oh shit, he thought. 

“No, please, can't we talk tomorrow…no! Don't hang up on me you-” 

She dropped her phone into her lap and made a noise too angry to be classified as a sigh, and ground her fists into her eyes. “I have to go.”

“Boyfriend?” Sasuke swayed and leaned back on his arm watching as she stood up and struggled to get dressed, “or is it girlfriend?”

She paused, only half into her jeans to glare at him, then let her shoulders slump, all traces of any earlier mirth gone. 

“At this point I don't know anymore.”

“Break up with them then,” he said.

“What?”

“If you aren’t happy...” Sasuke shrugged and abandoned the sentence. What did he know about healthy or happy relationships? She didn’t need him to tell her how to run her own life. They were strangers, and even if they weren’t, his opinion still wouldn’t matter.

She tugged on a pair of boots, the vinyl cracked and peeling around the toe, and gave him a funny look before shaking her head, “Happy huh...I don’t know if I’ve ever been that, but thanks for the advice. This has been fun.” 

With that she got up and walked out the door, never looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk!Sasuke is an objectively annoying person. This is an idea I've had floating around for a while but I only just got around to writing it down. I've got this story all planned out and will probably take around 7ish chapters to do but we shall see. Thanks for reading, feel free to leave any comments below because I love that shit.


	2. The Morning Apathy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whole Foods is a Hell Scape, but damn do I love their juice bar and deli.

Sakura sighed as she waited in line for the juice bar. Having grown up in just about as middle of nowhere you can get, Whole Foods—the bougiest of all the grocers in the land—made the monkey part of her brain want to climb a tree and stay there. Or really, it was its clientele that affected her. A bunch of french-tipped soccer moms with huge dark sunglasses and blonde sidebangs on the prowl. If it wasn’t for Ino’s insistence on fresh fruits and veggies, or how fucking bomb the deli was, she’d never come here. At least, that is what she told herself every time she walked through those perfect sliding doors. 

Giving the employee waiting to take her order a tight smile, Sakura ordered a green juice. She still wasn’t convinced they actually worked though given how much she drank she doubted they ever had the chance to reverse any real damage.

Paying and moving off to the side, Sakura let her eyes drift across the store as she grimaced at the memory of her last night out. 

What had she been thinking? Yeah her and Kiba had been on a break at the time so she hadn’t technically done anything wrong. But ever since she finally owned up to why she wasn’t at home that night he’d been insufferable. Crowing on and on about what a hypocrite she was, still being mad about his moment of weakness when she was out doing the same thing.

Sakura felt awful. When he had cheated on her, she had been a heartbroken mess for days. Now she’d done the same to him, the technicalities not mattering. What did matter was her intent. She hadn’t gone out for a rebound. It was to get revenge. To inflict the same hurt he had inflicted on her. 

She had thought that they really had a chance to make it work. That he was sincere in his apologies. And yeah, she’d make him suffer for a while, but god she loved him, of course she would take him back. That was until she saw him partying with some other girl on his snap chat. And Sakura decided to go do some partying of her own. 

Only for Kiba to call her wanting to get back together. Just as she was about to sleep with some other guy. What’s worse was that in the after Kiba told her he didn’t even know that other girl. She was dating one of his friends. That’s why she was with them. 

Kiba was right. She had gotten irrationally jealous and completely overreacted, making one of the biggest mistakes of her life. 

A drop dead gorgeous mistake, the worst part of her psyche whispered. 

“—For Sakura...DETOX FOR SAKURA!”

She jumped and moved to collect her drink, shooting the unimpressed worker an apologetic smile this time. As she turned away she gasped—worried for her drink—as she immediately collided into someone. 

Luckily, she had no reason to worry. A large hand had grabbed hers, steadying her cup and not spilling a drop. 

Unluckily, she looked up right into the eyes of that gorgeous mistake who she had left with a semi in someone else’s bed.  
~  
Sasuke didn’t believe in astrology, but he was convinced he was born under some sort of unlucky star. 

Firstly, he’d hardly gotten any sleep last night because his idiot roommate had let his girlfriend stay the night (now, he liked Hinata well enough but the less he knew—or heard in this case—about their sex life the better). Then he got an email from his professor expressing his concern at a particularly horrendous essay Sasuke had written for him. And now, he was off on a shopping trip, again, for his roommate with an indecipherable list where, of course, because Murphy’s Law governed his existence, he’d literally run into his last hookup. Sort of.

The girl opened her mouth but no words came out. Clearly just as aware of how they knew each other as he was. 

“I’m sorry! I, uh, didn’t see you there.” 

Sasue nodded absently. Her blush clashed with her hair and eyes making them stand out in a way that made him aware of his own monochrome features. 

Time lapsed between them, the girl started fiddling with her straw, and Sasuke became aware of the expectation that he should speak next. 

“How are you?”

“Oh! Um...I’m good. Better, better than the last time we...spoke.”

“Hn.”

He tried to think of something to say. Should he address why she left? Would it be better to say something witty? Either way he thought that he’d probably end up accidentally hurting her feelings—and he definitely didn’t want that. But by the time he thought he had something she was already speaking again. 

“Um, what brings you to Whole Foods? No offense, but you don’t exactly seem the type. Too—” she gestured at his clothes, which when he had left the apartment Naruto had branded as “aesthetically stunted emo wannabe”—“Tall Dark and Handsome.”

Somewhere Sasuke knew that had been a joke, but in defense of his next words, his brain had stopped working a little. “You find me handsome?”

She leveled him an unimpressed stare, “I nearly shagged you at a frat party last week whilst embarrassingly unintoxicated. Yes. I find you handsome.”

He held out his list, “my roommate sent me.”

She took it and frowned. “Hmm...yogurt, rice, ramen written in all caps, oranges-” she looked up at him- “good choice they’re in season right now. Then milk (whole NOT skim), those little cheesy puff twist bite things but like the healthyish kind, and finally pickled plum.”

Sasuke squinted at her, then grabbed the list and squinted at it, “how did you do that? I’ve known the idiot 7 years and I still can’t read his handwriting.”

She shrugged. “I’m a med student. It’s an essential skill.”

“And may I know the name of such an esteemed professional?” he asked.

She laughed and stuck out her hand, “Sakura.”

He felt a smile tug at him lips and for once he didn’t force it down “Who even shakes hands anymore?” 

“I do. Now shake it.”

He did. 

“I’m Sasuke.”

“Cool. It’s nice to officially meet”

Silence made itself known again after that. Along with old companions awkwardness and doubt. Sasuke was just about to find an excuse to leave before she spoke. 

“Uh, since we are both here, if you don’t mind, wanna get our shopping done together? Might be nice to have a little company through the mundane.”

From the very day Sasuke was born, he had despised company. And he didn't have much of an opinion on the mundane. But the way Sakura phrased it made her proposition sound, kinda...nice. So he shrugged his shoulders in consent and let her laugh and pluck his list out of his lands.

“Alright! Let’s get this bread!” She pumped a fist in the air and chose an aisle as random to start down. 

Sasuke frowned, trailing close behind. “What are you talking about? Bread isn’t mentioned on the list.”

She shot him a weird look. “What do you mean, what do I mean? Let’s get this bread, you know, like let’s get it? But we’re in a grocery store so it’s a pun?” He stared at her and she stared back. “It’s...a meme?”

“Oh. I don’t have a Facebook.”

He watched Sakura do a double take. “Facebook? Who said anything about Facebook? Is that where you think memes come from?”

Sasuke didn’t say anything. 

“Geez what decade are you from? Next thing you’ll be saying you still have a MySpace account.”

“Don’t try looking for it. It’s deactivated.”

It is a strange power to be almost a head and a half shorter than someone and still give the impression of looking down your nose at them, but Sakura clearly managed it. 

“You know I can’t tell right now if you’re kidding or not, but based on the hair I’m gonna say you totally had one. With like actual followers and everything.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome! Now do you think it matters if we buy the yogurt organic or not?”  
~  
She gave her phone number to him after that. Said that it was sad that he thought Facebook was the pioneer ground of memes and that it was her moral duty to enlighten him. 

Before she gave it to him though, she asked him something weird.

“Do you smoke?” 

They’d just (almost) been kicked out of the whole foods for elbowing each other in the checkout line. So aggressively (mostly on Sakura’s part) that they’d (almost) knocked over a display for artisanal cheeses and then outside in the parking lot they (almost) crashed the cart into Sasuke’s roommate’s tiny shitty orange mini cooper as they unloaded groceries. So her question wasn’t the weirdest part of his day by far. But still up there. 

“No, I have asthma. Why do you ask?”

“Look, I’m gonna level with you. First off, it’s gross and terrible for you and second off, you’ve already got the whole bad boy emo thing going and I almost fucked you at a frat party so if you also smoke then it’s just too cliche.”

Sasuke was honestly grateful she didn’t ask why he had asthma, he’d always got hassled for it when he was younger, he wasn’t exactly the poster child for asthmatics everywhere. However, he didn’t really get the chance to appreciate it as he was too busy trying to puzzle out what the fuck she had just said. 

“Look, we’re already on thin ice given the way we met. That is like peak bad 90’s romcom. And if you’re a bad boy then I’m a manic pixie dream girl because shit, I have pink hair for god’s sake! And probably the smart thing to do right now would be to break off all contact so we don’t catch feelings, especially because I already have a boyfriend. Also I really fucking hate romcoms. The main leads are always problematic.”

Sasuke privately thought any movie starring them would definitely flop.

Sakura sighed, “That’s the logical thing to do but surprisingly, despite your hair, you’re actually a cool dude and I want to be friends with you.” 

“Promise you won’t fall for me?” Sakura asked unfairly.

He snorted, “Trust me, that won’t be a problem.”

Sakura nodded to herself twice, hands situated on her hips. “Alright, then give me your phone.”

And that was how Uchiha Sasuke got Haruno Sakura’s phone number. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiba is one of my favorite characters in Naruto, but I'm sad to say he does do some questionable things in this fic. Choosing an all-around likable and solid character to cheat on Sakura and be a bit of "the villain" was also intentional.


	3. Petco is not sexy

For the next three days Sasuke’s phone pinged incessantly. Sakura, true to her word, had taken it upon herself to teach him about memes. It was slow going, as she approached each one with the ethos of an art historian, but by day 3 of the curriculum they’d managed to make it to 2012.

“Who’re ya texting?” 

Sasuke jumped at the voice uncomfortably close to his ear and locked his phone, the screen going black. “No one.”

Naruto scoffed, still dressed in his stupid frog pajamas despite it being like 3 in the afternoon. 

“You haven’t put down your phone once all week.”

“So?”

Naruto took a loud slurp from a squeeze pack of applesauce before answering. “Dude, you’re probably the only millennial I know not addicted to his phone. Literally the only thing I can think of you ever using it for is alarms and to check the weather. Which means there’s a definite reason your usage has suddenly tripled. Obviously you’re texting someone and based on your reactions I’d say you’re texting someone our age. Now spill, is she hot?” 

“How do you know it’s a girl?” Sasuke asked.

“Because if you were gay you'dve jumped my sexy ass long ago—” Naruto dodged the remote chucked at his head—“and you only have like 4 contacts in your phone you’re still on speaking terms with, including your mom.”

Sasuke slumped down into the couch, “fuck off or it’s gonna go down to three.” 

“Nah, your life is so pathetic rooming with you makes me feel better about myself.”

“Thanks man.”

“Yeah no problem, now gimme your damn phone.”  
~  
Haruno Sakura hated Petco. And that presented a bit of a problem considering, well, she worked at Petco. Retail was never a pleasant experience. And although she’d definitely had worse jobs before, that didn’t assuage the experience of itchy polos and ugly khakis that clashed with her hair. Or, the sheer number of dead fish she had to flush daily. 

She sighed and shifted from foot to foot, fingers nervously tapping on the laminate countertop. It’d been so slow today. Twice now, she’d managed to cycle through all the material on tomorrow’s test. Sakura contemplated going through it once more. After just barely passing the last one, she really couldn’t afford letting her gpa drop anymore. That would mean kissing her scholarship, and worse, Konoha goodbye.

Her phone beeped quietly in her back pocket and she cursed herself for not silencing it earlier. Carefully she pulled it out and checked below the counter. 

Babe <3: Where are you?

Sakura grimaced at the contact name. 

Sak: work I told you I’m picking up an extra shift today 

Babe <3: If you had I would have remembered lol. Can you try and get someone to cover? I’ve got something 4 u

She frowned, had she only thought she had told him? Instead she sent back, Sorry I can’t rents due soon and I need as many hours as I can get rn 

Babe <3: don’t be so frigid and come out for some fun. If you need money that bad I’ll lend u some

She tugged on the uneven edges of her hair with one hand, wrapping strands of hair around the tips of her fingers until they turned purple. Then let go, hair spiraling away. She needed to get it cut again.

She texted him again: thank you but you don’t have to I’d rather handle it on my own

Sakura set down her phone and traced her nails over plastic laminate pictures of smiling people and their dogs. It had been Kiba’s own insistence she apply for a job at Petco, his sister knew someone who then put in a good word for her. 

Her phone buzzed.

Babe <3: well fuck me for trying to help

It was moments like this that all Sakura wanted was to go home to Ino and cry into her arms about how stupid boys could be the way they did at 16. But then, she’d have to explain why.

Oh God, Sakura thought, what would Ino think? Not just about Kiba cheating—obviously she’d be out for blood—but that he’d told her not to tell anyone. 

“It’s our problem,” he had said, “no one else has the right to know.” 

Ino had been on a big trip to Ame for some photoshoot and away from her phone for hours. In that time, Kiba convinced Sakura to keep it between them.

“Break up with them then.”

That’s what Sasuke had told her to do. She smiled thinking about him. What a simple solution his was. Simple option for a simple guy she supposed. Although...Sakura was positive Ino would agree with him and Ino was the most ridiculous person to ever exist. 

They’d get along, Sakura thought. In that way that sneaks up on you after two people start off wrong.

Afterall, Ino didn’t have it in her to hate anyone beautiful, and boy did Sasuke sure qualify. 

And some intuition told Sakura that Sasuke didn’t do anything Sasuke didn’t want to do. If he could stand making runs to Whole Foods at the whim of his roommate and humor Sakura’s stream of iFunny cat memes then he could handle Ino in at least small doses. 

But just like how Ino doesn’t know about the situation with Kiba, Kiba doesn’t know about the situation with Sasuke. 

How would she even go about that conversation? “Oh yeah remember how I cheated on you? Well I ran into him at Whole Foods and turns out he’s a real nice guy and we’re friends now. But don’t worry there’s nothing between us, trust me he promised.”

Sakura wanted to go back in time and throttle herself. “Promise not to fall for me.” How conceited was she? Just thinking of how cliche she had acted made her stomach tie itself in knots and her face heat. Part of her wanted to cut all ties and go back to before. Before Sasuke and that stupid fart party. Before she threw Kiba’s phone at his head screaming at him to get out. Back when she was nothing but a promising young med student with a wonderful boyfriend and wonderful friends and a wonderful life.

Sakura sighed, she hated slow days, way too much time for thinking. She didn’t need to keep circling and analyzing this from every angle it’d drive her insane. It was too late to go back. Kiba had cheated and in retaliation so had she. All she could do now was try and figure out where to go from there.

Tilting her head back she peered up into the gross fluorescent lighting corporate always insisted on. She needed a right answer. A sign. Please, she thought to the light above. 

The lights hummed on. 

Sakura groaned and looked back down; what was she doing? She was a woman of science, even if God existed why’d He even care?

Sucking in a breath, Sakura pressed her fists against the closed lids of her eyes. Releasing both in a huff as she heard the woosh of the automatic doors sliding open and close. 

Pretending to be busy, Sakura waited until the sound of footsteps stopped for her to look up, usual spiel already spring to her lips. “Hello! Is there anything in particular you need hel-” 

Sakura’s throat tightened choking out any future syllables. She raised her eyes back up to the light fixture above her “God damn it” she whispered. 

Sasuke stood directly before her. Looking—as always—stunning. Smirking like some edgy model right out of one of Ino’s shoots. The prick. Who even dressed him? Yeah, she definitely couldn’t let her boyfriend know she knew him.

“Didn’t know you worked here.”

Sakura blushed, once again aware of the frumpy polo and khaki combo. “Well you know...I gotta pay for all those green juices somehow.”

He didn’t laugh. 

Sakura tried a different approach. “What are you looking for today?” 

“Uh a rat?”

“Oh! As a pet?” She nodded to Karui to take her place at the register as she moved around the counter to stand next to him. “That’s a great idea, they’re so intelligent and contrary to popular belief, super sweet! So they make fabulous pets.” 

He didn’t say anything and he didn’t avert his eyes. But his mouth kinda folded in on itself (revealing a dimple on his left cheek) and his brows scrunched together (another perfect thing about his face she admired, having pink eyebrows made it pretty difficult in the makeup department). 

“You look like the polite cat meme,” his eyes narrowed this time and his eyebrows got scrunchier, “never mind we haven’t covered that one yet. What’s up?”

“Uh, it's just that. It’s actually for my snake.” 

Sakura blinked at him for a moment, hands flying up to her mouth the second the connection was made. Like she could somehow collect the words right out of the air and shove them back in. “Oh noooooooooooo.” Somewhere behind her Karui snickered and if Sakura was embarrassed before she was now mortified.

He shrugged, eyes seeming to find a permanent home in the space next to her left foot. Sakura opened her mouth then closed it, but never looked away from his face. 

“I can go somewhere else...” He had looked at her and his eyes were so brown they looked black.

Did she make him upset? But once again she got the sense that if he was, he wouldn’t be asking. Sakura tried for a wiry smile. “No. It’s fine. I can’t let my corporate overlord lose a customer on my behalf now can I?” 

The tension slipped out of his shoulders, Sakura hadn’t even noticed it was there. 

“Hn.”

Quietly, they walked to the rodent section and together they crouched down before one of the cages. 

They had three this week. Two white ones with red eyes and a fat black one. Their names and identification written on a whiteboard hanging on the outside the bars. Chuckles, a sweet yet stupid white rat with red eyes, Cheddar who despite being phyisically identical to Chuckles was the far more nervous of the two, and Chelsea, a big fat black rat who was unique in the way she seemed aware of her own existance

Sakura peered at Sasuke, he was making the face again, and despite the morbidity of the situation she had to suppress a giggle. “I know, awful names aren’t they? The manager picks them.” 

Sasuke nodded, face serious. “Cheddar I understand though cheesy.” 

Sakura whipped her head towards him, trying to determine if the pun was intentional but he carried on. 

“And Chuckles is a dumb name but at least it seems accurate.”

Sakura couldn’t help remember the time they had to take away Chuckle’s wheel—he kept suddenly stopping so the momentum would throw him off it. His tiny body crashing into the bars of the cage only to get back up and on the wheel to repeat the process. 

Sasuke leaned in close to Sakura as if to confide a grave secret. She stopped breathing, hoping to those stupid fluorescent lights he couldn’t smell her coffee breath. “You did say these things were intelligent right?” 

“Errr, usually. What’s wrong with Chelsea then?” 

“Other than the name, nothing. Though it keeps staring at me.”

“How big is your snake?” Sakura asked.

“Well...Manda isn’t all that big but he is a bit of a fatass.” Sasuke scowled, jaw resting effortlessly against the open palm of his hand, elbow balanced on his knee. “Usually I buy those pre-dead vacuum wrapped rats but he’s been refusing his food recently that’s why I’m getting a live one this time.”

Truth be told Sakura hated snakes, naturally gravitating more towards anything cute and fuzzy. But still she frowned along with him. His concern was contagious. 

“Well then we need to be careful not to overfeed him and not shock his system. I think one will be more than enough.”

She reached into the cage to grab Chuckles so Sasuke at the very least wouldn't have to deal with Chesea staring at him as she died. She sighed and brought him up to eye level, “I’m sorry about this little dude.” There had always been something absent from Chuckles’s psyche, even for a rat. Sakura strangely felt a rush of affection for the thing. She hoped it would find some better existence in the next life.


End file.
